10 Days of Silence
Kuantan, Malaysia 28 Years Old
In the afternoon session, on the third day of the 10-day silent meditation course, something incredible happened…
80 of us sit, eyes closed, watching our breath on light blue cushions on the beachwood floor of the open-air, sun-lit hall,
The instructor calls students forward one-by-one to check on us. He looks at me with bright brown Indian eyes and relaxed smile and asks:
“Can you feel the breathing?”
Ummm..what? Haven’t I been breathing for years?
I nod yes. Encouragement beams in his genuine smile.
“And do you enjoy it?” he asks.
Ummmm…This is breathing, right? Music is something to enjoy. Pizza is something to enjoy.
Is breathing something to enjoy?
I nod again yes…with less certainty.
“You have to enjoooy it!” he whispers, glowing.
Never have I seen someone this excited about breathing.
Looking back…those are the five most important words I’ve ever heard.
“You have to ENJOOOY it….”
I stroll back to my light blue cushion on the beachwood floor of breezy sun-lit hall and try to resume deep, attentive breath, but I cannot get his words out of my mind.
We take 24,000 waking breaths every day. Have I really never given full attention to a single one from start to finish?
The tingling body buzz of exhalation, the fullness in each inhale, the long return to emptiness again.
-Retreat Day 5-
“onnnngggggg…” “onnnngggggg…”
The 4AM morning bell pulses in the starlit jungle.
I lay still in the dark, watching the chaotic mess of my mind.
A wild hurricane of thoughts tumble and clash in the space. emotions respond or enact in direct correlation, I am jumpy, uneasy, murky.
I let my arms fall to the bed at my sides, I wait.
After a few minutes I realize my breathing is choked, shallow, tight in my chest. My whole being is muddled.
I begin taking huge deep breaths in the nose, with a hand on my belly to feel it rise on the inhale and sink on the exhale.
I begin to notice the sublte sensations of each breath…the tingle of air in lung-balloons of my lungs, the space in my nostrils, the soft flesh of my lips.
The endless in-out-in-out pulsing of my body, like the rolling wave of a long sine curve.
Slowly, each breath gets deeper. All tension in the torso evaporates.
The mind tries to dance away to exciting topics, to the future, to the past, but I let go of all thoughts and just breathe. Just breathe.
A few minutes later and I have harnessed the machine. I am exhaling to the floor of my breathing, to the true bottom of my lungs. I am amazed with each breath’s depth, its smoothness, its slowness, its power.
A few minutes more and thoughts arise here and there like pop-up ads, easily discarded, I am the awareness itself.
I can feel the insides of my hands and feet, I can feel my own heart beating,
A few minutes more and there is massive humming colorful space between thoughts…their arising is so blindingly obvious…so easy to swipe away.
The hurricane of emotion slows to a cool beach breeze. My whole body tingles.
I am lost in the warmth of ancient life flowing in me, fully present in the magic reality of this moment. Pleasant waves like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day.
A few minutes more and I open my eyes.
Everything in the room is sparkling in high definition.
At last, I am clear.
-Retreat Day 10-
After the last evening sitting on the tenth day of the 10-day retreat, I walk with no hurry down the grey stone path to my little jungle hut.
With total stillness in my being, I gaze over lush hills under orange and purple sunset sky, prehistoric crickets begin their gentle whir.
Evening birds tweet easy sunset songs. At last, I am nothing, and I am everything. In this new vibrant moment I am content in the simple goodness of just being alive. All the way into my toes.
I feel this new breath. The smoothness, the slowness, the power.
Its impact on feelings, on fear, on focus.
I devoted full-attention to every breath the way I would a singer’s voice or a bite of pizza. And my inner world was opened forever
Slowly, I began to ENJOOOOOOY it.
“What is the mind? Who is seeing these words? Do not mistake any state for self-realization, but continue to ask yourself even more intensely: What is it that sees?”
-Zen Koan
